I’m relieved to know that university scientists are spending hard-to-come-by research dollars on projects that actually have practical applications.
Yes, folks. Your concerns about the very real threat of badly dressed, brain-eating undead have been heard by science and are answered in a new, ground-breaking study by Canadian scientists at the University of Ottawa and Carleton University.
And how do we stop a zombie plague? Do we triage ill zombie patients, provide them with palliative care? Do we search for a vaccine to reverse the zombie infection. Nope. The scientists’ research found only one sure fire course of action: “…hit them [the undead] hard and hit them often…It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else… we are all in a great deal of trouble.” And that can only mean zombie decapitation. Says highly degreed professional, Dr. Neil Ferguson, after performing considerable background research, including marathon screenings of Night of the Living Dead, 28 Days Later, Vengeance of the Zombies, and Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town: “My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie, then it’s dead forever.”
All I can say is, I’m so glad this study wasn’t done at Texas A & M University. You’d never hear the end of the bad Aggie jokes this would spawn. “How can you tell the difference between a zombie and an Aggie’s date at the A & M – UT football game?……Braaaainsssss, braaaaainssss.”